You Need to Walk Before You Can Run
My first post talked about style, but I realized that it’s a poor place to start. You need to walk before you can run, so let’s get back to the basics and talk about what it is we’re trying to do and why.
Let’s talk about the big three: Relationships, Work and what I’m going to call “You”.
I’ve heard it said that if your thoughts and actions are in-line with each other you will be happy. Based on my own experience it is true, being honest with yourself about what you want and then working towards that goal will provide you with lasting happiness. If you can’t admit or don’t know what you want in different aspects of your life you won’t have a goal to work towards and you can easily end up in a situation that won’t make you happy. So it’s really important to think about these three facets of your life and what are your goals in each of them. What kind of job you want and why? What kind of relationship, if any, you want and why? What kind of a person you want to be and why?
Three facets of life
Let’s quickly talk about internal and external motivators. Almost all things in life that we want to do are motivated by bit of both of these. For example if you want to sleep with a lot of girls, part of the reason is the status it would bring you among your peers. Part of the reason is the internal feeling of accomplishment when you manage to do something that you perceive as difficult to do. Finding what motives us is important part of the process so you can do the things that are motivated by the right things. If you confidence is low you might defer to the opinion of other people too much and that will lead to your being motivated by external motivators instead of internal and that won’t lead to happiness nor confidence. It will just lead to running on an endless treadmill trying to satisfy those external motivators. From this we can deduce that separating those two sources of motivators is an important part of your journey. Part of it will come from your own confidence growing, part of it will come from you working on this and separating them. So when you think about these three aspects try to find external and internal motivators and separate them, so you can find those external pressures and try to quiet them down, and focus on emboldening things that come from within.
I’m going to start with the hardest part and go towards the easier since in my opinion the pyramid of you is built on this category with the other two on top of it. This facet contains in it your character and personality and how you bring that into the world. This is the thing that’s probably the hardest to separate the motivators in too. Do you want to be extroverted and super social because the society tends to favor that kinds of personalities or do you prefer yourself as more introverted and less social. There are no wrong or right answers here and one answer definitely isn’t better than another one so being honest to yourself here is important. I’ve personally changed over the years from somewhat introverted and pretty serious guy to an extroverted and quite social and somewhat less serious guy. If you yourself are unhappy in who you are you can change it by working on it no matter what it is. There is only one thing in this category that’s set in stone and will affect all aspects of your life in a very serious way: confidence. You need to work on your confidence, confident people are attractive and unconfident aren’t. Besides that you can decide to be whatever kind of person you want and enjoy the things you enjoy without shame. Getting confidence is this kind of weird process of deciding to be more confident and being proud to be you and then gaining actual confidence when nothing bad happens even when you are who you are without hiding aspects of your being. I will most certainly go more in depth about this in later posts and *my next book review will also help with this.*
If you’ve thought about the things that motivates you in the first facet you will probably have thought somewhat about this facet too since in our society it’s quite linked to the person’s identity, a bit too much perhaps. If your dream is to travel the world and not work the 9-5 grind, you must be honest to yourself about this and start working towards that goal. I’m using it as an example because it’s what I want to do. Luckily I’ve found I really enjoy writing and based on feedback I’m somewhat competent at it too. So my dream is to save a little money and keep writing on my travels and fund them that way. I’ve always known that exploring the world and having my own business is what I want, but I haven’t actualized it before and actually worked towards it. I was in a pretty nicely paid day job and just went out on the weekends. It was certainly fun, but didn’t make me happy or fulfill me and my needs. So be honest what you want to do like I should’ve been years ago. Again there are no right or wrong answers, what I want to do isn’t what you want to do. My brother doesn’t have much interest in traveling and he’s a very different person, he has a 9-5 job, wife and two kids. That’s what he wants, what his internal motivators are telling him to do. If he tried to go towards what I am going towards, he wouldn’t be any happier than I would if I tried doing what he’s doing. Don’t choose constant traveling because that’s “cool”, don’t choose 9-5 grind, wife and kids because it’s the “right thing to do”. Listen to yourself and find a job that fulfills your dreams and allows you to do the things that you want to do.
Although this is the most focused upon facet in many self-help books and advice honestly it’s the easiest if the other two facets are in order. If you are honest about who you are, *you show it with your style* and actions, *you’ve cultivated a friend group that shares your passions*, you will meet through them loads of like-minded individuals that will naturally be drawn towards you and that will attract you. This means you will most likely have quite a lot to talk about and be naturally compatible, a relationship is a natural progression of that mutual attraction. However here it’s important to be honest with yourself and your potential partner(s). If you don’t want to be tied down, be honest about it, don’t change your goals or lifestyle to fit theirs. It will over time make you unhappy and unfulfilled which will also affect the relationship, most likely turning it sour. Like I already mentioned there are no wrong or right answers here, don’t start dating and working towards a wife and kids if that’s not something your internal motivators are telling you do. Again the opposite is true, don’t try to sleep with loads of women if that isn’t aligned with your goals. Let’s be honest though, trying to sleep with loads of women is pretty often a coping mechanism or trying to get status or acceptance anyway. If you don’t want to be tied down, a couple of women who share your views is enough and less trouble. If you are honest and seek what you need you will find people who are seeking the same thing. If you aren’t honest about your needs they won’t be fulfilled.
Wrapping it all up
The three facets are heavily intertwined and it’s hard to lift one out of the pyramid, and talk only about it. What kind of work you want and need will vary between who you are as a person and your personal goals, same with relationships because the relationship you have must support the kinds of things you want in your personal life and work life. Honest thoughts, honest actions and lining them up towards the same end goal, that’s where you will find happiness.